So, welcome to 2021! If last week was any indication, it is going to be quite an exciting year. It is going to be the year in which GloboCap reminds everyone who is actually in charge and restores “normality” throughout the world, or at least attempts to restore “normality,” or the “New Normality,” or the “Great Normal Reset,” or “The New Normal War on Domestic Terror” … or whatever they eventually decide to call it.
In any event, whatever they call it, GloboCap is done playing grab-ass. They have had it with all this “populism” malarkey that has been going on for the last four years. Yes, that’s right, the party is over, you Russian-backed white supremacist terrorists! You Trump-loving, anti-mask grandmother killers! You anti-vax, election-fraud-conspiracy theorists! You deviants who refuse to follow orders, wear your damn masks, vote for who they tell you, and believe whatever completely nonsensical official propaganda they pour into your heads!
Oh, yes, you really did it this time! You stormed the goddamned US Capitol. You and your racist, Russia-backed army of bison-hat wearing half-naked actors have meddled with the primal forces of GloboCap, and now, by God, you will atone! No, do not try to minimize your crimes. You entered a building without permission! The building where America simulates democracy! You walked around in there waving silly flags! You went into the Chamber, into people’s offices! One of you actually put his filthy populist feet up on Pelosi’s desk … ON HER DESK! This aggression will not stand!
OK, before I go any further with this essay, I need to explain to my regular readers (in case it wasn’t already clear) that I’ve decided to forswear every word I’ve ever written, and all my principles, and my common sense, and join the remainder of my old leftist and liberal friends in the orgy of online hate and outrage they are currently mindlessly indulging in.
Yes, I realize this comes as a shock, but I have seen the GloboCap writing on the wall, and I don’t want to … you know, get ideologically “cleansed,” or charged with “extremism,” or “insurrectionism,” or “domestic terrorism,” or “populism,” or whatever. I’m already in enough trouble as it is for not playing ball with their “apocalyptic plague,” and whatever else I am, I am certainly no martyr, and I have a career in the arts to consider, so I have decided to listen to my inner coward and join the goose-stepping global-capitalist mob, which is why this column sounds slightly out of character.
See, back in the old days, before my conversion, I would have made fun of my liberal friends for calling this “storming” of the Capitol a “coup,” or an “insurrection,” and for demanding that the protesters be prosecuted as “domestic terrorists.” I probably would have scolded them a bit for taking to the Internet and spewing their hatred at the unarmed woman shot dead by the police like a pack of soulless, totalitarian jackals. I might have even made a reference to that infamous scene in Schindler’s List where the crowd of “normal” German citizens all laugh and jeer as the Jews are marched away to the ghetto by the Nazi goons.
But, now that I have seen the light, I see how bad and wrong that would have been. Clearly, trespassing in the US Capitol is a crime that should be punishable by death. And comparing contemporary American liberals to the “good Germans” during the Nazi era is so outrageous that … well, it should probably be censored. So, good thing I decided not to do that! Plus, the woman was a “devoted conspiracy theorist,” so she got what she deserved, right? (“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes” was the official liberal shibboleth, I believe.)
In fact (and I hope my liberal friends are still reading this), the police should have shot the entire lot of them! All these Russian-backed Nazi insurrectionists should have been gunned down right there on the spot, preferably by muscle-bound corporate mercenaries and CIA snipers in Black Hawk helicopters with big Facebook and Twitter logos on them! Actually, anyone who trespassed in the Capitol Building (which is like a cathedral), or just came to the protest wearing a MAGA hat, should be hunted down by federal authorities, charged as a “domestic white-supremacist terrorist,” frog-marched out onto Black Lives Matter Plaza, and shot, in the face, live, on TV, so that everyone can watch and howl at their screens like the Two Minutes Hate in 1984. That would teach these “insurrectionists” a lesson!
Or they could shoot them in one of those corporate-branded stadiums! We could make it a weekly televised event. It’s not like there is any shortage of Trump-supporting “domestic terrorists.” They could use a different stadium every week, deck the place out with big “New Normal” banners, play music, make speeches, the whole nine yards. Everyone would have to wear masks, of course, and strictly adhere to social distancing. Folks could bring the kids, make a day of it.
How am I doing so far, leftist and liberal friends? No? Not fanatical and hateful enough?
OK, so what is it going to take to convince you that I have changed my tune, got my mind right, and am totally on board with the New Normal totalitarianism? Trump? Sure, I can do Trump. I hate him! He’s Hitler! He’s Russian Hitler! He’s Russian White Supremacist Hitler! Yes, I know I’ve spent the last four years pointing out that he isn’t actually Hitler, or a Russian agent, and that he’s really just the same ridiculous, narcissistic ass clown that he has always been, but I was wrong. He’s definitely Hitler, and a Russian agent! He is certainly not just a pathetic old huckster without a single powerful ally in Washington who could not stage an actual coup if Putin nuked every blue state on the map.
No, I soil myself in fear before his awesome power. Never mind that he’s just been banned by Facebook, Twitter, and numerous other corporate platforms, and made a fool of by the corporate media, the international political establishment, the Intelligence agencies, and the rest of GloboCap since the day he took the oath of office. Forget the fact that, although he holds the nuclear launch codes in his tiny little hands and is Commander in Chief of the US military, the most he could do to challenge his removal was file a buttload of hopeless lawsuits and sit around in the Oval Office eating cheeseburgers and tweeting into the night. No, none of that means a thing, not when he still has the power to “embolden” a few dozen pissed-off Americans to storm (or calmly walk) into the Capitol and take selfies sitting in the Vice President’s Chair!
Look, the point is, I hate him. And I hate his supporters. I hate everyone who doesn’t hate him and his supporters. I hate everyone who won’t wear a mask. I hate the Republicans. I hate the Russians. I hate everyone who won’t get the vaccine. My God do I hate them! I am so full of hatred and mindless rage that it is making me crazy. I am so consumed with self-righteous hatred, propaganda, and manufactured hysteria that, if Rachel Maddow, or Chris Hayes, or whoever, told me that it was time to round them all up, these “domestic terrorists,” these “insurrectionists,” these “conspiracy theorists,” these “anti-mask extremists” (and anyone else who won’t obey us), and put them on trains and send them to camps, I’d probably be OK with that.
How am I doing, liberals? Am I back in the club? Because, I get it. I swear! I’m cured! Praise God! I’m ready to pitch in and do my part. I believe in GloboCap’s final victory! I’m willing to work, if our leaders order me, ten, twelve, or fourteen hours a day, and give all I have for GloboCap victory! I am ready for total ideological war … an ideological war more total and radical than anything I can even imagine!
Sure, our imaginary enemies are formidable (and this war will probably last forever … or at least until the end of global capitalism), but, in the words of one our greatest liberal heroes, George W. Bush, “bring it on!”
January 11, 2021
Photos: (1) 1930s German film footage; (2) CNN
DISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page (where you can contribute as little $1 per month), or send your contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our staff up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian novel, Zone 23, or Volume I and II of his Consent Factory Essays, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive email, feel free to contact him directly.
64 thoughts on “Are You Ready for Total (Ideological) War?”
Yeah, and don’t forget Bernie’s secret plan to reinschnozzle himself into the White House at the last minute despite appearances. Oh wait, that was 2016.
I, too, am enjoying the mom’s basement podcasts from the fantasy politics wing. My money’s on Joe. Got a tenner says he’ll start gobbling and maybe punch the judge on stage this week. Much more likely than the Trump triump-phant implied above, betcha twenty more.
In your best Ian McKellen:
“There is no way out. There is no way out. They have taken the bridge. The watcher in the water took Oin at the Hollin gate last week. Drums in the deep. They are coming.”
Spent just less than an hour this morning with you. Quite provocative you are. Somehow, even with your bravado and a baleful lexicon, I detect some Swiftian influences that you cannot seem to quash. For those of us who remain intellectual peasants, required to devote our daily lives to mere existence, albeit air conditioned, facially scrubbed, and aromatically beaujolaised, I will return to you in order to receive some balance to my NYT, WaPo enslavement. However, please, have less contempt for those of us who have accepted the way of “Il faut cultiver notre jardin.” Many of us are humanitarians and that is not so awful. Now go. You have exhausted my recall of liberal arts philosophy 101 and made me feel less worthy in that I only care about the human race in between pleasuring myself.
Thank you for your rational words of sanity.
In the United States of Amnesia, Reality is just a theory.
In 1966, Phil Ochs pegged the Liberals, who are still the same, but more so, if you get what I mean. The same old same old, centuries old.
1966, song “Love Me, I’m a Liberal”
“In every American community, you have varying shades of political opinion. One of the shadiest of these is the liberals. An outspoken group on many subjects. 10 degrees to the left of center in good times, 10 degrees to the right of center if it affects them personally.”