The War on Death

OK, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some some bad news. The good news is mainly for authoritarians who missed all the fun during the War on Terror. The news is … welcome to the War on Death!

Yes, that’s right, global capitalism (a/k/a “the world”) is now at war with Death … which is great news for authoritarians! No more bothersome critical thinking. The time for questioning our leaders is over. It’s time to shut up and follow orders. We’re in a global state of emergency, folks! We’re talking lockdowns, soldiers in the streets, abrogation of our constitutional rights, arbitrary arrests, indefinite detentions, round-the-clock media fear-propaganda … the whole totalitarian megillah!

What, you’re probably asking, is the War on Death? Well … for those who remember the War on Terror, the War on Death is just like that, except this time the evil enemy is Death … or, all right, maybe not exactly like that, but there are a number of striking similarities.

For one thing, just like the War on Terror, we didn’t start it. Death attacked us! There we were, peacefully going about our global capitalist business, quelling a worldwide “populist” rebellion orchestrated by Russian-backed Nazis, when Death attacked us with a coronavirus … more or less exactly the way that the terrorists attacked us in 2001.

And, just like after those terrorist attacks, the world has united and forcefully responded. No, we haven’t invaded Iraq again (well, actually, we did bomb them a little), but we have locked down almost the entire planet, virtually shut down the global economy, and are scaring the masses into a state of unprecedented mass hysteria.

Police are patrolling the streets of Europe, checking people’s “permission-to-go-outside” papers. In the U.K., soldiers are standing by to assist with “protecting possible quarantine zones,” or to “cope with the breakdown of civil society.” Israel is tapping its formerly secret collection of everyone’s mobile phone records to identify people who might be infected, and assorted “others who need to be quarantined.”

Macron (now relieved of his Gilets Jaunes problem!) is ready to “rule by decree” if necessary. California is “prepared to enact martial law.” The U.S. military is “prepared to deploy in support of potential extraordinary missions,” including “quelling civil disturbances.”

The U.S. Department of Justice is asking Congress for the power to detain people indefinitely. The British Parliament is on the brink of passing an emergency “Coronavirus Bill” that will (among other unsettling provisions) grant authorities the power to arrest and indefinitely quarantine anyone they deem a “potentially infectious person” … or, in other words, pretty much anyone they want.

As if that wasn’t dystopian enough, according to a report in Politico:

“Counter-terrorism troops have been redeployed across Italy to beef up police forces throughout Italian cities. Patrol cars are now circulating in every major city in Italy with a monotone male voice warning citizens over a loudspeaker not to leave their residences or risk a ticket. ‘GO BACK INTO YOUR HOMES,’ the voice warns.”

But wait, it gets even better than that. In Missouri, prosecutors have charged an idiot who licked some items at Walmart as a “terrorist.” I kid you not, a Coronavirus Terrorist. I could go on, but I think you get the picture (if you need more examples, check this Twitter thread).

The point is, the global capitalist empire (for whatever reasons, real or imagined) has turned on the MINDLESS HYSTERIA machine, and dialed it up as high as it goes. People are in full-blown headless chicken mode. No one (or hardly anyone) is thinking, or listening to dissenting opinions, or paying attention to official statistics, or common sense, or anything else that contradicts the War on Death narrative.

The British tabloids are publishing horror stories about “doctors” standing by and helplessly watching as patients slowly suffocate to death. According to such stories, not only are these “doctors” unable to treat roughly 400 patients with any of the UK’s over 8,000 ventilators, but, apparently, patients whose hearts have stopped (and who are therefore unconscious) are also now capable of “dying in agony” with “terror in their eyes.”

According to The New York Times, the Coronapocalypse has begun in Elmhurst, where the authorities have called in the refrigerator trucks to haul away the mountains of corpses, after 13 people who “had tested positive” died (of something) in the course of one day.

The rest of the corporate media are running moment-by-moment deathometer updates, apocalyptic prognostications of the millions or billions who are possibly going to die, and of course the latest on which celebrities have been infected and are clinging to life, or experiencing mild, cold-like symptoms, or absolutely no symptoms whatsoever. Greta suspects she might have been infected! Prince Charles! Colton Underwood (whoever that is), Tom Hanks, and even Idris Elba! Just the other night, celebrated playwright Terrence McNally (who was 81, and had a history of lung cancer and COPD) was struck down in the prime of his life!

In short, the authorities have whipped the masses into an orgy of shrieking, white-eyed FEAR of this new, evil, “invisible enemy” that is coming to kill them and their families. Millions of people (now confined in their homes) have taken to the Internet to pump up the hysteria, share totally un-sourced personal accounts of the horrors their therapists’ accountants’ doctors have personally witnessed on the war’s “front lines,” and hunt down any infected persons, or potentially infected persons (or otherwise uncooperative persons) who might have gone outside for some air.

So, that’s the good news for you authoritarians! For the rest of us … yeah, not so good.

Oh, I almost forgot the bad news. The bad news is … well, the bad news is Death. The bad news is, you are going to die. I’m going to die. We are all going to die. All of us. We are going to die. We are going to die of … well, something. Cancer. A heart attack. A stroke. The flu. Diabetes. Alzheimer’s disease. Possibly even a coronavirus. Maybe even this coronavirus.

In fact, a lot of us are dying right now, according to the Internet, around a hundred per minute … which, it goes without saying, is unacceptable, and a tragedy, and something we need to take drastic action to prevent at all costs. We can’t let these Russian dissension sowers, neo-Nazi accelerationists, and coronavirus-sympathizers confuse us. They want to convince us that Death is, yes, scary, and sad, but inevitable, and natural. How utterly heartless and insane is that?!

No, we need to close our minds to that nonsense. People are dying! This is not normal! Death is our enemy! We have to defeat it! We need to hunt down and neutralize Death! Root it out if its hidey hole and hang it like we did with Saddam!

I’m not kidding. There is a war on, people! GloboCap is taking the gloves off again. (You remember what happens when the gloves come off, don’t you?) So get your mind right and get with the program or get ready to face the consequences.

Relax, I’m not referring to all these tanks (2:34 in the NBC video). I’m referring to other consequences. I am not some crazy conspiracy theorist. Plus, Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has assured us there’s no cause for concern:

“If and when National Guard or military units are deployed to the streets of L.A., trust me, I’ll let you know.”

See? Everything is perfectly fine. No one is preparing for martial law. Those tanks just returned from the Middle East and are “being sent back home to Texas.” This kind of thing happens all the time. It has nothing to do with the global lockdown.

I don’t know about you, but I’m extremely relieved … for a moment there I thought we were in trouble.


CJ Hopkins
March 26, 2020

CJ Hopkins Summer 2018 thumbnail

DISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page (where you can contribute as little $1 per month), or send your contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our staff up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian novel, Zone 23, or Volume I of his Consent Factory Essays, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive email, please feel free to contact him directly.

55 thoughts on “The War on Death

  1. You really are an idiot. You don’t even understand your own contradictions. Your constant snark about “Russian backed Neo-Nazis” undercuts your juvenile bleating about the same. I mean, which one is it? Is everything a lie? Or just what you deem a lie? Are Neo-Nazis in control of the narrative? Or the other kind of Neo-Nazis, the kind you don’t like? You can’t see a damn thing wrong with Russia, but Israel is a monster. You’re not even dialectical in your thinking. You just flail across the same side of the coin trying to convince your reader you’re toggling between both sides. But you’re not. You are the thing you’re snark is aimed at. You ever consider that? I doubt it. According to you, there is nothing to fear, except everything. You seem to either not know you are intentionally confusing, or you are confusing on purpose. Either way, go fuck yourself.


  2. Brilliant! As so very often, CJ says exactly what needs to be said – thousands of times a day, in all sorts of fora.

    I hope it’s OK for me to quote it liberally (always with attribution and link, of course). It says what I think, but far better than I ever could.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. To think that we endured this Threat of Death – TOD – for millenia, nay unspeakable eons, without doing much about it!
    Should we not be rightfully thankful to our leaders and acknowledge their wisdom to guide us into a deathless paradise? Even if it causes a few broken heads and limbs on the way to a glorious deathless future?

    Again, our combined leaders of course are of course appreciated by us discerning citizens and we again find our spokesperson in the Figure of the inimitable Mr. C.J. H.
    A hearty thanks from someone who had thought always that death is an insult to humanity and needs to be fought against, red in tooth and claw….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Here’s a story which might be of interest to the In House Epidemiologist. A 68 year old man in Minnesota who has a history of cancer and major heart surgery has recovered from the coronavirus contracted during a trip to California. This news item has of course gotten no traction. The key points:

    “He had mild symptoms on two days, March 7 and 8. By March 9 he was feeling fine.”

    “As a cancer survivor, O’Neill considers his immune system to be compromised. However, he takes care of himself. While on the trip and for those first two days after returning home, he continued his practice of working out by swimming laps and jogging.”

    “Bruns said he is clearly fortunate to have dealt with only a relatively minor case of the virus. O’Neill said his fever reached only 100.8, and his body aches were not terrible. He said he had very little in the way of a cough and no shortness of breath. He rested in his room and did a lot of reading, he said.”

    West-central Minnesota COVID-19 patient praised for quick action:

    Video interview here:

    By the way, I posted the link to The Magic Socialist in a comment on an article about Bernie Sanders at the socialist website Someone replied in a typically humorless Trotskyist fashion that you have given in to your “cynicism” and that your essay wasn’t funny at all. The above comment by Anon reminded me of that encounter (which wasn’t quite so hate-filled) especially since the term “dialectical” is a staple of Trots jargon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make a good point. Perhaps it’s because it was a sputtering torrent of rage rather than a disagreement. And it was such a personal attack. The anger was was out of proportion.

      I’m more surprised that no one seemed to take note of the links I provided to an actual interview of a coronavirus “survivor.” I have noticed a distinct lack of interviews with people who have recovered in all the coverage and discussion of coronavirus. This is the first one I’ve come across and the video was only aired a few times on one day. You would think this would have gotten more play among the outlets and writers who are questioning the covid-19 panic.


      1. SQ! I guess I’m just battle-hardened after 20+ years of Internet. Vitriol is to be expected.

        I really should check out the link you mention (and will); I’ve been marveling at just how *trusting* so many people are, even the supposedly radical or clued-in, and the Propaganda for this latest caper has been so riddled with contradictions and implausible vagueness that I stopped looking for more confirmation of the bullshitness fairly early in the process: a little like zoning out when a known fantasist of one’s casual acquaintance starts spinning yet another tale of inherited riches or sexual conquest or paranormal adventure. The recent breathless announcement of the EIGHTH (octogenarian-plus) casualty of the unstoppable pandemic (8 IS 2 cubed, after all), here in Berlin, along with the official decree that we’re allowed to jog through the Tiergarten but forbidden to recline on a blanket, sunning ourselves… has got me wondering when I wandered into an Ionesco Play and how I can wander out again.


        1. Hi Steven Augustine,

          Sorry to reply so late. I’m not in the habit of checking on my comments.

          I haven’t been obsessively keeping up with the news either. Interviews with people who have recovered from covid-19 are still scarce even this late in the panic. I wouldn’t have caught that news item if it hadn’t been a local story.


  5. Thanks C.J. I think you hit the nail right on the proverbial head with this one.

    If we want to better grasp why our neighbors are all in panic mode, as if motivated by some “unconscious” fear that we can’t quite see a reason for, it is useful to become familiar with TMT (Terror Management Theory) which posits that our unconscious fear of death is the primary driver of human behavior. “Unconscious?” I know, how scary is that? We all want to think that conscious, rational thought is what drives and explains human behavior, yet watching our current mass hysteria (and plenty of examples from history) tells us that this is hardly the case.

    TMT sheds some very well researched light on the age old question of just why it is that our betters invariably find it useful – whenever their rule might be threatened – to stir up irrational fears of death among we the masses. You are right on the money with this. Fear of “death” is the bogeyman that quietly undergirds our current mass hysteria and madness. Thanks.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Here’s something completely idiotic. I live in the belly of the beast, NYC, and believe it or not several apartment buildings near me have come up with an arrangement so that every tenant of these buildings will open their windows each evening at 7:00 pm and cheer and cheer and cheer, as if they’re at Yankee Stadium.

    What spirit, eh? (Aside from the typical 21st-century USA act of theft, in this case stealing from the truly afflicted of Italy.) CHEER ON YOUR ENTRAPMENT, LACK OF WORK AND INCOME, POLICE AND NATIONAL GUARD PATROLLING THE STREETS, AND NEW YORKERS AROUND YOU DROPPING LIKE FLIES.

    Yessiree. ‘Course these same cheerleaders would never be caught dead getting together to protest any of this stuff. Good Germans? Huh. 21st-century USians will make them seem like pikers. . . To be proven soon enough.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “You can’t see a damn thing wrong with Russia, but Israel is a monster.”
    Ah, Anon, so THIS is what rubbed you wrong?
    Fortunately for you, there’s tons of CIA-backed up media outlets, where they can feed you the exact type of propaganda that you’ve been raised on, and that you crave. They will tell you what you like to hear: that there’s everything wrong with Russia, but Israel is untouchable…


  8. It’s hard for me to believe that the pandemic is a fraud—I just can’t imagine a conspiracy that encompassing. And what would motivate organizations like National Nurses United and Physicians for a National Health Program to join in? However, I do think the response—more mass surveillance, suspension of civil liberties, supply chain collapse, and oligarchic entrenchment—is likely to be worse than the disease itself.

    Physicians for a National Health Program:
    National Nurses United:

    Liked by 1 person

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