Bernie Sanders’ Commie Kill Swarm

America just can’t catch a break. After three long years of brutal oppression under Donald Trump’s Russia-backed Nazi Reich, it turns out the only Democratic candidate with a chance of unseating him in November and rescuing the world from the Putin-Nazis is a 78-year-old bloodthirsty Commie with a Khmer Rouge-like army of kill-crazy followers.

Yes, I’m afraid the rumors are true. Apparently, elements of Jeremy Corbyn’s recently-disbanded Nazi Death Cult have regrouped in the United States, formed an alliance with Bernie Sanders fanatics, and together this Mega-Commie Kill Swarm is roaming the Internet with complete impunity, sadistically mass-murdering Sanders critics and defenseless differently-abled persons with vulgar language and vicious poo-memes.

The corporate media are doing their best to alert Americans to the imminent threat. CNN broadcast a special report explaining how Sanders’ “army of supporters” are “bullying” and “frightening” his critics into silence. An “outspoken Elizabeth Warren supporter whose daughter with Downs syndrome is recovering from cancer” was verbally-abused to within an inch of her life. An “activist dying of ALS” was instructed to go “f___” himself. The Working Families Party was subjected to a series of inappropriate adjectives. The Party’s leader, an African American and a personal friend of Bernie Sanders, was taunted with a racist Tweet, which Sanders took to Twitter and condemned, but by that time it was much too late. His Commie Kill Swarm was beyond his control; they started tweeting memes comparing Elizabeth Warren to a snake and Pete Buttigieg to a rat, and otherwise terrorizing the American public.

Senior Investigative Correspondent Drew Griffin spoke to several other “victims” of Sanders’ Commie Kill Swarm’s tweets who are recovering from their Internet traumas in undisclosed secure locations and so insisted on remaining anonymous. According to Griffin, these emotionally-traumatized victims are so emotionally traumatized by what they experienced on the Internet that they wouldn’t even let him describe the traumatic “circumstances” surrounding their “attacks.”

And the proof of Sanders’ Commie Kill Swarm’s atrocities isn’t just anecdotal. No, Griffin also spoke to Ben Decker, “CEO” of something called “Memetica” (which appears to be Ben’s Twitter account), whose “Facebook analysis” conclusively proves that Sanders has a lot of online supporters, more than all the other candidates, which creates “the potential for greater harm.” This type of online “bullying-at-scale,” according to Ben, is just … well, “crazy.”

Of course, CNN is not the only corporate media outlet on the case. In the days leading up to the Iowa caucuses (which Sanders would go on to attempt to steal from Buttigieg by winning thousands more votes), a spate of dire warnings were issued. According to The Washington Post, “Sanders supporters have weaponized Facebook” and are terrorizing people with “angry memes.” The New York Times reported that “Bernie Sanders and His Internet Army have forced progressives who refuse to back him into hiring private security details to protect them from “death threats” and off-color jokes. Daily Beast warned of “Toxic Bernie Bros.” NBC likened them to MAGA supporters, who everyone knows are Russia-loving Nazis. SNL writers went even further, painting Sanders as the darling of 4chan … and these are just a few examples.

But by far the most bombastic display of unbridled Sanders-Commie-Kill-Swarm-Panic was MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, who totally lost it after the last debate and started sputtering about “socialists” staging public mass-executions in Central Park. Matthews is apparently firmly convinced that Sanders, if he wins the election, plans to dress up like Fidel Castro, march Matthews and his cronies out onto the Great Lawn, and go full-bore Daenerys Targaryen on them. He sat there, trembling, on national television, eyes afire with paranoia, jabbering about the godless “Reds” like a scene from Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove that got cut because it was too over-the-top.

Seriously, though, I doubt he has much to worry about. Regardless of who wins the election this year, the supranational corporatocracy that essentially owns the U.S. government is not about to let Bernie Sanders implement the same basic social programs that most capitalist countries throughout world have provided to their people for decades. Jesus, just imagine the freedomless horror if Americans could go to university, and, you know, maybe raise a child or two, without spending the rest of their lives in debt! Think of the suffering that would inflict on the banks, and insurance companies, and military contractors, not to mention the pharmaceutical industry. God help America, should it go down that road! The next thing you know there’d be high-speed trains, subsidized art, and un-chlorinated chicken … there’s no telling where the nightmare would end.

Look, I don’t normally get invested in the quadrennial Simulation of Democracy, but I’m kind of pulling for Bernie this time. I don’t believe he has a chance, but if he somehow managed to outfox the Democrats and win the nomination this summer, it would be fun to watch as the corporate media and the rest of the neoliberal Resistance react to a Sanders vs. Trump election.

Not that either Sanders or Trump, the men themselves, are a threat to the empire (as we have witnessed over the course of the last three years). But we’re in the middle of a War on Populism, which the global corporatocracy needs to win if it is going to continue to relentlessly destabilize, privatize, and restructure everything, as it has been doing since the end of the Cold War. Sanders and Trump are just symbols, of course, lightning rods for “populist” anger … but they are symbols the empire needs to destroy in order to reestablish “normality.”

The neoliberal Resistance’s ham-fisted efforts to prevent a Bernie Sanders nomination are desperate attempts to avoid a scenario where they are forced to ensure Donald Trump’s reelection, which, make no mistake, they will do if they have to. (Jonathan Chait has already whipped up some boilerplate to be used in that effort.) They did it to Corbyn, and they will do it to Sanders, but it is likely to get extremely awkward, pretending to reluctantly support him (because the alternative will be a man they’ve spent the last three years accusing of being a Russian spy and literally Hitler) while simultaneously painting him as a genocidal commie terrorist whose supporters are a bunch of white supremacist, billionaire-butchering neo-Maoists.

Thus the “Sanders Swarm” hysteria, and the Iowa caucuses “technical difficulties,” and whatever other propaganda and dirty tricks the Resistance has planned to prevent a Sanders nomination, so they can lose to Trump with a non-populist candidate and play “Resistance” for another four years.

So, unless you relish the thought of that, or the thought of watching a humiliated Bernie obsequiously shuffle around the country campaigning for Buttigieg, like he did for Clinton, please do what you can to get him nominated, so we can enjoy a Pol Pot vs. Hitler election.

Do it for purely entertainment purposes. It is mostly just a show, after all.


CJ Hopkins
February 10, 2020
Photo: MSNBC

CJ Hopkins Summer 2018 thumbnail

DISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page (where you can contribute as little $1 per month), or send your contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our staff up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian novel, Zone 23, or Volume I of his Consent Factory Essays, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive email, please feel free to contact him directly.

27 thoughts on “Bernie Sanders’ Commie Kill Swarm

  1. Excellent summary of our dismal situation. I am a bit more committed to pushing the Bernie thing to it’s unknown conclusion, let the vitriol flow. Perhaps providing a good opportunity to punch back, Absolutely condemning in no uncertain terms the criminal qualities of this Gangster Capitalism being run now as a Con game on the rubes, which it always was, but now identifying the entire rest of the globe as nothing by Injuns needing our magic civilizing by imposing loans upon them which they cannot refuse. It seems “we” could get much more graphic, slide shows, visual presentation showing what this unbridled Capitalism is doing to the people here, as well as what are the effects of aerial bombing on the victims below. Moral shaming on a grand scale, these Billionaires need to be more exposed for the sociopathic amoral pricks which they are.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “. . . . so we can enjoy a Pol Pot vs. Hitler election.” – love it!

    I have it on good authority that Chris Matthews was able to shove his own head so far up his own arse that he was able – “to see Russia!”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Absolute brilliance, and absolutely spot on. The shining city on a dung heap, built on the backs of millions of disposable deplorables. No need for high-speed trains, clean water, great infrastructure, and universal healthcare, when there are endless wars to be fought and always more money to be made.


  4. Great essay. There was a hilarious tidbit from Buttigieg’s Fox News Sunday appearance yesterday when he denounced the Electoral College because all other elections in the U.S. are decided by the popular vote. The amazing feat was that he kept a straight face while reciting his lines. Chris Wallace didn’t challenge him since he was saving his energy to harass Sanders in the following segment. Wallace ended the Sanders interview by referring to it as “invigorating” which I took to mean that the mere act of having to talk to Sanders caused a spike in his heart rate and blood pressure.

    As for Chris Matthews, he better take it easy or he’s going to pop like Tim Russert who, near the end, resembled one of those stress Martians when it’s being squeezed.


  5. Living the dream—the duality of waking, walking, talking in a bipolar world. That is, in most peoples’ heads.
    The well-crafted illusory experience of believing what you see but knowing it ain’t real, but being powerless to confront it for what it is—a fucking dystopian nightmare.

    CJ, you’ve done it again, as always better than most, consistently distilling *it* for what *it* is. Christ, I’d be out of here (U.S.) but for my aulde age infirmities and the fact I’m living in the place of my birth in a remote small fishing town that has no road to it. My existence here, remote from the U.S. with Canada keeping most of the nutballs away, allows me like you to view *it* from a distance, albeit the policies of a capital 3,000+ miles away still do carry some effects of consequence.
    Whadda shitshow. I think it’s likely going to be a real dust-up ala 1930s, no matter how it goes in November. And not least of all what is going to happen on the road to (the) Mandalay and the primaries beyond. The gloves are coming off and the pot is beginning to boil over. And if President Putin-Nazi, master of delusions of grandeur, actually loses? I guess we’ll find what we’re made of if PPN decides he doesn’t wash to depart the limelights of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Minus the protections of Presidential immunity re: the US Attorney’s Office, Southern District of New York?

    The question for me is, will he (Unca Burnus) or won’t he bolt? The Bern became Burnus to me when he folded in the magic moment of revolution in 2016. Will he take advantage of it this time should he—along with his ardent supporters—be once again confronted by the outright cheating? Will that *moment in time* come again?
    Will he stand up with and for the fervor of his acolytes? Or is he just a paper tiger, a long-winded flame-stoker getting his lifetime achievement rocks off who ends up allowing the DNC to piss all over his campfire after getting the hopes of the semi-pro left up again? I fear it is the latter. He already ‘signed the pledge, after all.
    I don’t doubt his belief in his intentions for a better society, but I also think he recognizes the covert and hostile, the cold-hearted and calculating lethality and loathing of the powerful forces arrayed against him.

    I hope against my better judgment that he has the guts—and the actual principles to bust this seething cauldron open for its larger historical import. Go down in flames, ‘not gently into that dark night.’ That’s what a man for all seasons would do. If he actually believed passionately and consummately in what he so tirelessly espouses before the massed millions. This is it. His curtain call. When it’s all said and done, was it just for vanity? We shall see.
    Heroes riding in to save the town from the bad guys…wasn’t there a movie about that?
    Well, this epic and its climax most likely—barring an actual ongoing insurrection—will have been concluded in time for next year’s Academy Awards anyway.
    Is this the way it ends, a final bow, a best acting award, as the sound of Nero’s fiddle screeches toward crescendo?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Very good article. Yes it’s rigged. I’m hoping for a Trump-Sanders fist fight when Trump mocks his $80k a month junkie son.

    I find the socialist thing a bit confusing. I thought it had died with Corbyn’s almost equally disastrous Labour leader Michael Foot in 1983. Blair effectively removed socialism (nationalisation) from clause 4 of the Labour in 1995 to make Labour more electable.

    It was dead until 2008 when in the wake of an apparent systemic collapse of capitalism, The Guardian started promoting socialism as a deliberate distraction from the truth. Namely that it was a crime, not a systemic failure.

    We know it was a crime because every major bank in the world was subject to massive fines for mis-selling mortgage backed securities.

    ‘Goldman pays $5.1bn to settle MBS mis-selling

    The Wall Street bank knew the instruments it sold “were full of mortgages that were likely to fail”, said Stuart Delery, acting associate attorney-general.

    Meanwhile we have a bizarre new culture of Millenials who call them socialists but are actually Thatcherite because that’s all they know. Corbyn’s election disaster was (principally) caused by his ‘socialist’ buddy Jon Lansman and his Momentum group of young socialists demanding a people’s vote for Brexit, the exact opposite of Corbyn. Yes and a hatred of Corbyn himself amongst working class voters.


  7. American socialism summary. It died with Richard Nixon.

    ‘Noam Chomsky: Richard Nixon Was ‘Last Liberal President’

    Three Democrats have held the position of commander-in-chief since the Richard Nixon era, but if you ask philosopher Noam Chomsky, it was the 37th president and infamous Watergate casualty who was truly the last liberal to preside in the Oval Office.

    During a discussion on HuffPost Live, Chomsky weighed in on the minimum wage debate, blaming neo-liberals for keeping talk of wage increases off the table until now. “It’s a shame that it’s taken so long to even be a discussion,” Chomsky said. “As for support, we may recall the last major program for helping families at the level of survival was under Richard Nixon. In many respects Nixon was the last liberal president.”


  8. I am utterly, and I mean utterly disappointed that you fail to make the connection between Sanders Commie – Trump Putin Nazi.
    It is clear to any person with at least some living brain cells that both are obviously agents of the Putin- commie/nazi/muslim jihadist™ to disrupt mercilessly the tenuous fabric of USA political life, pursuit of happiness and liberty. If the Trump-Nazi agent fails to be successful in this devious plan, then of course the Sanders-Commie might just be able to.
    The only remedy to destroy those evil machinations by the Putin commie/nazi/muslim jihadist™ is naturally the election of a bonafide Biden(whatdoeshestandfor)™ or a Warren(whateverichooserealitytob)™.


  9. […] America just can’t catch a break. After three long years of brutal oppression under Donald Trump’s Russia-backed Nazi Reich, it turns out the only Democratic candidate with a chance of unseating him in November and rescuing the world from the Putin-Nazis is a 78-year-old bloodthirsty Commie with a Khmer Rouge-like army of kill-crazy followers. Yes,… — Read on […]


  10. I still remember Chris Matthews after the 2004 Vice Presidential debate swooning over Dick Cheney like a teenager girl over 1990s Leonardo DiCaprio. That image, which I can’t get out of my head, is probably going to be the first thing I see when I arrive in the waiting room to be admitted to hell.

    Liked by 1 person

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