The Hitlergate Hearings

OK, so, that was a close one. For a moment there, I was starting to worry that the Democrats weren’t going to take back the House and rescue us from “the brink of fascism.” Which, if that had happened, in addition to having to attend all those horrible stadium rallies and help the government mass murder the Jews, we would have been denied the next two years of Donald Trump-related congressional hearings and investigations that we can now look forward to … I’m going to go ahead and call them the Hitlergate Hearings.

Staging these hearings has always been a crucial  part of the Resistance’s strategy. As history has proved, time and time again, when literal fascists take over your democracy, outlaw opposing political parties, and start shipping people off to concentration camps and revoking journalists’ White House access, the only effective way to defeat them is to form a whole buttload of congressional committees and investigate the living Hitler out of them. This is especially the case when the literal fascists who have commandeered your democracy are conspiring with a shifty-eyed Slavic dictator whose country you have essentially surrounded with your full-spectrum dominant military forces, and who your media have thoroughly demonized, but who is nevertheless able to brainwash your citizens into electing his fascist puppet president with a few thousand dollars worth of Facebook ads.

Once you’ve determined that has happened (which it obviously has), the gloves have to come off. No more prancing around in pussyhats, not with Russian Hitler in office! No, at that point, you really have no choice but to wait two years until your opposition party (which Hitler somehow forgot to ban) regains control of the House of Representatives (which Hitler somehow forgot to dissolve), wait another two months until they take office, and then immediately start issuing subpoenas, auditing Hitler’s financial records, and taking affidavits from former hookers.

I realize that may sound extreme, but remember, we’re talking literal fascists, backed by literal Russian fascists, who are going around emboldening literal fascism, and making literal fascist hand gestures on television, and doing all kinds of other fascist stuff!

Now, OK, if you’re anything like me, you’re probably wondering, if Trump is really a fascist, not to mention a Russian intelligence asset, why hasn’t the “Resistance” just assassinated him? Many of them are ex-CIA, after all, or are otherwise members of the Intelligence Community. Why bother with all these congressional hearings? Why not just go in there and kill him?

Well, the problem with that apparently is, they have to follow “the rule of law,” which prevents them from just assassinating people, and “regime-changing” governments that are not playing ball, and, you know, staging military coups, arming and training sadistic death squads, and sanctioning thousands of children to death. That kind of stuff is not just wrong, like, morally, or whatever, it is also illegal. So, even though a Russian agent, who is also literally Adolf Hitler, stole the election from Hillary Clinton, and is remaking America into a fascist dictatorship, the only recourse the “Resistance” has is to mount these congressional investigations and publicize them in excruciating detail until November 3, 2020, at which point all this “Fascism” hysteria will just disappear into the ether like the “War on Terror” hysteria did the moment Trump won the nomination.

But that’s two years from now, which is almost an eternity. In the meantime, the neoliberal “Resistance” has got some serious investigating to do! And not just Mueller’s investigation of Trump’s treasonous activities as a Russian agent. No, we’re talking congressional investigations of his tax returns, his Deutsche Bank statements, takeout receipts, dry cleaning tickets, his entire fascistic financial history! And then there’s that emoluments thing! And that Kavanaugh thing! And that security clearance thing! And that bimbo thing! And some other things! And, well, I think it’s pretty safe to assume we are on the road to Subpoena City!

The corporate media appear to agree. Scanning the post-election coverage, it looked like most “Resistance” journalists got the official press release. The Guardian started taking live bets on which investigations the House would launch first. The New York Times, in its ongoing efforts to protect Special Counsel Robert Mueller from the fascistic “muzzling” its editorial staff are certain that Trump is about to subject him to in order to prevent him from presenting evidence of Trump’s formative years in the GRU (and possible links to the Skripal assassins), published a “roadmap” Mueller can follow to “send incriminating evidence directly to Congress,” bypassing the Nazified Justice Department! According to CNN (a dissident samizdat owned by the Turner Broadcasting division of Warner Media, LLC, which, in turn, is owned by AT&T, a multinational conglomerate holding company), “House Democrats are preparing to unleash the full force of their oversight powers on the Trump administration” in series of “high-octane Democratic-controlled hearings,” which Jim Acosta will be covering live, if he has to take out every jackbooted Nazi intern on the Hill to do it! I could go on, but you get the picture. And for anyone who doesn’t, here it is …

The next two years will be a demonstration of the power of the global capitalist empire and its predominant propaganda machine the likes of which the world has never witnessed. By November 3, 2020, they will need to have brainwashed enough Americans into voting for whatever global capitalist puppet the Democrats end up nominating to defeat Donald Trump in the general election, which isn’t going to be a cakewalk. To do this, they will need to foment such an atmosphere of mindless hysteria, emotional exhaustion, and paranoia that anyone to the left of Mussolini will stagger to the polls on election day and vote for the Democrat just to make it stop.

In addition to the Hitlergate Hearings, each and every excruciating moment of which will be broadcast live and then milked to death by the corporate media’s experts and pundits, they will continue to subject us to a torrent of messaging designed to convince us that Donald Trump is simultaneously Hitler and a Russian operative, and that America is literally “on the brink of fascism,” and that anyone who questions this narrative is a Putin-loving Trumpian fascist, and a hate criminal, and probably a “domestic terrorist.”

None of this messaging will need to make sense. The goal of the “Resistance” is not to present a credible case that Donald Trump is literally a fascist or a Russian operative, or that global capitalism is in any real danger of being torn asunder by literal fascism (whatever your definition of fascism is). The goal of the “Resistance” is to make it unmistakeably clear who is really running things, and what happens to annoying billionaire ass clowns who get elected president without their permission, and to the ignorant rabble who elect such ass clowns, or who vote to leave the European Union (which, of course, they will never allow to happen, except perhaps in some nominal sense).

In other words, the global capitalist ruling classes are about to teach the world a lesson. It is the same basic lesson they have been teaching the world since the dissolution of the Soviet Union. They taught it in the former Yugoslavia. They taught it in Greece, and Iraq, and Libya. They have taught it throughout the Middle East. They are about to teach it throughout the West. The lesson is, resistance to global capitalism is not just futile, it is suicidal. The lesson is, play with identity politics and all that “cultural wars” stuff to your heart’s content, but fuck with global capitalism and we will squash you like a tomato bug.

The Hitlergate Hearings, the fascism hysteria, the Russian mind control paranoia, and the rest of the concerted propaganda campaign we have been subjected to since 2016 (and are about to experience the full force of) are all just parts of a broader effort, not just to crush the “populist” insurgency that began in the West with the Brexit referendum, continued with Trump, and then spread throughout Europe, but to crush all hope for any future rebellions against global capitalism and its ideology, regardless of whether they stem from the Left or Right. (If you think they’re just focused on the neo-nationalists, you obviously haven’t been paying attention to the ongoing demonization of Corbyn, Mélenchon, Sahra Wagenknecht, and assorted other “populist” leftists.) In the old days, this was the part where the king would mount the usurper’s head on a spike to remind everybody who was boss. Nowadays, of course, we do it on television, or the Internet, like when we hung Saddam, or sodomized Gaddafi with a bayonet. They’re not going to do anything like that to Trump, who is, after all, an American usurper, but they are going to make an example of him.

So, get out your popcorn, and your pitchforks, and so on, and get ready to cheer them on as they do. The future of democracy hangs in the balance! And, if you’re on the Twitter, make sure you fulfill your daily Calling-Trump-a-Fascist and Feeding-the-Fascism-Hysteria quotas. And Putin, of course. Don’t forget Putin … and whatever other mindless hysteria the capitalist ruling classes need us to parrot. Trust me, in about two years, when the post-Putin-Nazi celebrations begin, and people are running around in the streets burning effigies, hooting vuvuzelas, and hunting down anyone wearing the wrong hat, you’re not going to want to be mistaken for having been on the “populist” side of history.


CJ Hopkins
November 19, 2018
Photo: MLH Radio

CJ Hopkins Summer 2018 thumbnailDISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page (where you can contribute as little $1 per month), or send your contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our staff up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian novel, Zone 23, which we understand is pretty gosh darn funny, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive email, please feel free to contact him directly.

35 thoughts on “The Hitlergate Hearings

    1. Good one! I can’t resist admitting that when I first came across the word “vuvuzela”, I had to look it up– but I was sure that it somehow referred to female genitalia.


  1. As a British citizen who joined UKIP after 45 years of voting straight Conservative, and who voted to Leave the EU in the referendum, I understand exactly what you say about Brexit. Apparently Theresa May has spent two years cooking up the very worst of all worlds for us – being technically out of the EU while being even more comprehensively owned and controlled by it than ever. Sort of like Virginia trying to secede from the USA and finding that instead it has been turned into Puerto Rico.


  2. Thanks for this truly brilliant article – simultaneously true, instructive and even amusing (in a bitter sort of way).

    I have always loved really good satire – Jonathan Swift, Ambrose Bierce, Tom Lehrer, Gore Vidal, “Private Eye” before Ian Hislop ruined it – and for my money pieces like this are right up there with the very best.


  3. To CJ Hopkins,
    If I understand you correctly, you claim that the billionaire ass clown elected POTUS (i.e. Trump) is AGAINST global capitalism.
    I kinda sorta understand how difficult it can be for me to discern satire from a truth claim. Therefore, I was hoping that you could straight out declare that populism (either conservative populism or leftist populism or both versions working together even as conservatives & leftists only pretend to be political enemies) is anti-globalist, anti-neoliberal, anti-corporatocracy, anti-capitalist, pro-independence, pro-national sovereignty, pro-democracy.
    Thanks. Gary


  4. Thanks C.J. for that much needed dose of satiric sanity I so desperately crave in these post-reality times we are forced to inhabit. Truly excellent work.

    “they will need to foment such an atmosphere of mindless hysteria, emotional exhaustion, and paranoia that anyone to the left of Mussolini will stagger to the polls on election day and vote for the Democrat just to make it stop.”

    I fear you will be proven all too accurate in this prediction!


  5. They taught it in the former Yugoslavia. They taught it in Greece, and Iraq, and Libya. They have taught it throughout the Middle East. They are about to teach it throughout the West.

    I am not sure Greece need be on that list actually.
    It’s also funny — in a ln unfunny way, of course — how Trump knows all that your writings convey but can’t communicate it but in the most implicit ways, because the people that it would be great if they understood it wouldn’t understand it, while the others would understand it too well and react, teaching him a lesson of a different kind of the currently taught one.

    He can’t govern and steer things because the very people who have supported him would abandon him — being made to misunderstand his words and deeds.


  6. ‘The idea of the law of nations presupposes the distinction between independent states. Although this is a state
    of war … it is still, according to reason, better than the fusion of those states by means of a hierarchy of power
    culminating in a universal monarchy. Laws which are passed for a large area lose their vigour, and such a
    soulless despotism, after it has hollowed out the kernel of goodness, ultimately collapses into anarchy’

    ‘I am convinced that, in fifty years’ time, people will no longer think in terms of countries’


  7. “The concepts of independent nation statehood and of the balance of power are thus two sides of one coin. They
    are both the opposite of imperial power. Any attempt to direct the affairs of the European continent by
    superstructures – rather than by allowing interests to be reconciled harmoniously according to an agreed
    procedure – is, at best, an attempt to replace the free interplay between states with a system of international
    corporatism, and, at worst, evidence of a nostalgia for the days of empire.”
    J Laughland

    “How much trouble would humanity and especially the European peoples have been spared if natural and obvious
    living conditions had been respected when the European living space and economic co-operation were being
    politically fashioned … The European peoples represent a family in this world … It is not very intelligent to
    imagine that in such a cramped house like that of Europe, a community of peoples can maintain different legal
    systems and different concepts of law for long.”
    A Hitler ( I kid you not)


  8. This is probably the stupidest and most hyperbolic article I have ever read. If any of this were true, you would be in a concentration camp or dead. Proof that Trump is not a Nazi is that you are still out there publishing this ridiculous nonsense.


    1. Greetings, i have never met a real NPC before and you did not disappoint!
      Look what i found above mr computer programme “DISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist”
      Try to ask Gepetto if he can fix the reading bug in your system!
      You should also ask him to give you a sense of humor to imho, but that is just my personal opinion not advice…


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