Trump Deathwatch

The latest “Trump Deathwatch” began on Tuesday, August 21, 2018. It began in a courtroom in Alexandria, Virginia, when Paul Manafort, sleazebag beltway operator and former chairman of Trump’s campaign, was pronounced guilty by a jury of his peers on ten counts of various types of fraud — tax fraud, bank fraud, and failure to disclose thirty-one foreign bank accounts which he was using for the purposes of fraud. Or maybe it began in another courtroom, this one miles away in New York City, when, almost at the exact same moment, Michael Cohen, Trump’s ex-lawyer, pleaded guilty to eight unrelated charges of fraud and campaign finance violations, the latter charges stemming from “hush money” paid to two of Trump’s former bimbos.

In any event, whichever came first, it began with these two sleazebag characters, both of whom had been indicted by special counsel Robert Mueller, who is doggedly investigating allegations that the President of the United States is a devious Russian intelligence asset personally planted in the Oval Office by Vladimir Putin, the Russian mob, and a conspiracy of crackerjack “cyber-influencers,” who brainwashed millions of American voters into betraying Hillary Clinton, and the nation, with a bunch of emails and some Facebook posts, and who are even now waging “a chaos campaign to undermine faith in American democracy.”

Mueller, who had previously indicted thirteen Russian “cyber-influencers” who he was certain would never appear in court to laugh derisively in his face, needed to put a “win” on the board, and he needed to do it before the midterm elections. The Resistance® and the corporate media have been desperate for something juicy that they can relentlessly milk for the next ten weeks. They need the Democrats to take the House so they can pretend to try to impeach Trump, or at least subpoena a buttload of folks to appear before a series of congressional hearings that they can drag out all the way to 2020. Naturally, they were hoping Mueller would deliver someone even vaguely connected to their ridiculous, James Bondian “Russiagate” narrative, but Cohen and Manafort were the best he could do, so they went ahead and made the most of it.

Television networks interrupted programming. Most of them did that split-screen thing. News readers broke out their “serious” voices. Legal “experts” were rushed into studios to nod their heads and agree that this was “very serious,” or “extremely serious,” or “potentially extremely serious,” or, in any event, “very, very bad for Trump.” The press, who were still recuperating from the exertion of their synchronized attack on Trump for attacking them for attacking him day after day for the last two years in an only marginally less synchronized manner, instantly went into full Trump attack mode.

The Guardian immediately went to live, moment-by-moment “Trump Deathwatch” coverage. Their opinionists started pumping out pieces proclaiming that “Trump’s reckoning has finally arrived,” and demanding he be impeached before “the cancer on his presidency” metastasizes. The New York Times Editorial Board (which is obviously getting a bit fed up with the riff-raff questioning its journalistic integrity) announced that, starting from that very moment, anyone doubting that Donald Trump is a dirty, rotten, Russian agent is a “fantasist” and a member of his “cult.” CNN began babbling about impeachment, as did the BBC, and more or less every organ of the corporate media. The Washington Post Editorial Board authored a rather lengthy example of the speech that “a presidential president” would deliver in Trump’s circumstances (which she wouldn’t be in), confessing that the Russians have “attacked our democracy,” and that we’re under “ongoing assault” by the Kremlin, and welcoming special counsel Mueller’s further indictments of this “presidential” president’s inner circle of sleazebag operators, dirty tricks specialists, PR hacks, corporate lobbyists, and political consultants (which, of course, this “presidential” president wouldn’t have … well, except for sleazebags like David Brock, secret agent Christopher Steele, Marc Elias, of the law firm Perkins Coie, Jeremy Bash and Philippe Reines, of Beacon Global Strategies, LLC, “a unique Washington consulting firm,” and innumerable other distinguished sleazebags).

By the morning of Saturday, August 25, this latest “Trump Deathwatch” (like those that have preceded it) had been cancelled due to declining ratings. The corporate media started running those features reminding Americans how difficult it is to impeach, or otherwise remove from office, a treasonous Russian intelligence asset who is openly working with Vladimir Putin to destroy America, and Western civilization, and establish a global fascist dictatorship ruled by Putin, Trump, Corbyn, that Italian bozo, and Bashar al-Assad. The corporate media run these features in the wake of every “Trump Deathwatch” episode to taper liberals off the effects of the mindless hysteria they have just finished generating.

Which, in this case, that turned out to be unnecessary, as liberals and other Trump obsessives, who by now are used to having The Resistance® whip them up into these gibbering fits over Russians or Nazis on a regular basis, were already onto the next big story. On the Wednesday after “the worst day of his presidency,” Trump (perhaps on Putin’s orders) had tweeted about “white South African farmers,” which had set off yet another round of global denunciation of racism, white supremacy, Nazis, and so on. Trump, who either is a master manipulator or has the attention span of a chihuahua, or both (and yes, folks, I’m afraid that’s possible), had seen something on the White Genocide Channel that he felt he needed to share with the world (or use to force the corporate media to switch back from the Russia hysteria to the Nazi hysteria they’d been relentlessly flogging until the Manafort conviction and Cohen plea deal allowed them to switch back to the Russia hysteria they’d been relentlessly flogging since the Traitor Summit).

And on and on, and on, it goes … and will continue to go until 2020, unless Trump decides to attack Iran, which I doubt The Resistance® will let him do, because that would get extremely weird, as they would somehow have to simultaneously support another US war of aggression and condemn Trump as Adolf Hitler for starting it. Oh, and also, they would have a hard time explaining why Putin had ordered his stooge in the White House to attack Russia’s ally in the Middle East. So, probably, no attack on Iran.

Which means we are in for another two years of alternating Russia and Nazi hysteria, mostly on a low-intensity basis, with the occasional new segment of “Trump Deathwatch” thrown in. Personally, I’m rooting for the Democrats to take control of the House in the midterms, purely for the sake of entertainment. After calling this ass clown a Russian spy and Literal Hitler for the last two years, they’re going have to at least pretend to impeach him, or else stage a series of internationally-televised neo-McCarthyite congressional hearings to root out the diabolical networks of Putin-Nazis that have infested America, and Britannia, and the rest of the West.

That’s the main thing, after all. Yes, the corporatist ruling classes need to make an example of Trump to dissuade any future billionaire ass clowns from running for high office without their permission, but even more so, they need to put down the “populist” opposition to the spread of global capitalism and the gradual phase-out of national sovereignty that began with Brexit and continued with Trump, so they can transform the smoldering remains of the Earth into one big happy neoliberal market run by supranational corporations and the “democratic governments” they have bought and paid for … which, by that time, folks won’t even notice because we’ll all be shuffling around like zombies staring down into the screens of our phones.

Damn, I think I may have gone and opened a rather enormous can of leftist worms right at the end of this essay by mentioning the “national sovereignty” thing. So, leftists, please ignore the previous paragraph. National sovereignty is the same as nationalism. Nationalism is very, very bad. Internationalism is good. Internationalist socialism is what we all want. Okay, admittedly, the forces of internationalist socialism appear to be … well, somewhat marginal at the moment (or possibly virtually non-existent), but that’s not a problem, because the global capitalists will be happy to internationalize everything for us, and to do away with all those nasty nationalists, and that national government-subsidized healthcare and university education and all that stuff.

So let’s forget that I mentioned national sovereignty, because that’s all Putinist Trumpism, and so on. There’s absolutely no reason at all for leftists to discuss that subject, or to view it in any kind of larger historical or geopolitical context or anything. Once the global corporate empire finishes their Privatization of Everything, I’m sure they will be open to considering socialism. They’ll probably even let us vote on it. By then, they will have cleansed the Internet of all the discord-sowing Putin-Nazis, so there won’t be any danger of being “influenced” to vote the wrong way or anything.

In the meantime, don’t forget to do your part in the War on Trump, Putin, Assad, Corbyn, and whoever else the corporate media tell us we’re at war against. Forget about global capitalism. Keep obsessing about Donald Trump. And if you get tired of obsessing about Donald Trump, you can always call Corbyn an anti-Semite, or accuse Glenn Greenwald of working for Putin … or, if you’ve got some free time and want to get creative, compile a Directory of International Assadists, or some other paranoid pseudo-blacklist. Every little contribution counts!

CJ Hopkins
First published in CounterPunch, August 31, 2018.
Photo: Markus Spiske/Unsplash

CJ Hopkins Summer 2018 thumbnailDISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page (where you can contribute as little $1 per month), or send your contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our staff up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian novel, Zone 23, which we understand is pretty gosh darn funny, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive email, please feel free to contact him directly.

14 thoughts on “Trump Deathwatch

  1. I still cannot understand the immense hatred of Trump that seems to extend further and further across the world. As far as I can se he is no worse than earlier US presidents (leaving aside the difficult theoretical issue of whether that is even possible). How could he lie more, kill more innocent foreigners, start more wars, and generally spoil the world more than Obama, the Bushes, the Clintons, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, even the sainted Kennedy… and on and on and on, passing through the sainted FDR who may have deliberately started WW2 in Europe and definitely started it against Japan, and the sainted Woodrow Wilson who may, just possibly, have deliberately wrecked the 20th century and bequeathed us a thoroughly broken world? And don’t get me started on Lincoln and Polk.

    Trump’s two unforgivable sins seem to be that he is an outsider, as you say, something the political system was supposed to prevent ever since the mid-19th century; and that he is open and honest about things other presidents would have lied (genially) about or simply not mentioned. I always imagine the ruling political class as being rather like the wicked witches of Oz, who melt when exposed to water; the politicians melt when exposed to truth, which is why they loathe and fear Trump. “No! NO!!! Truth!!! Keep it away from me! I’m m-e-l-t-in-g…”


  2. As I see it, the breadth of a group’s polity is proportional to technological advancement.
    You have places with a government for every street (where dwellers may have for instance to pay a fixed sum to the lord of the street for access to running water). As technology and mind expand, governmental spheres (and devices) expand (and develop in the direction of abstraction and indirectness).

    Technological advancement is the propellent for polity expansion. Meanwhile, every power strongly feels the spur to subjugate lesser powers: which means, lesser powers become bad and/or immoral and/or out of law (since it is wise for the lords to be liked by their supporters, and a way to be liked is to feign commonality, folk words like “troll” may also be deployed).

    Of course prejudice against national sovereignty is painstakingly instilled by the opponents of national powers. However, nations took form by doing to smaller polities what globalism intends to do to nations, in speaking terms.
    All in all command structures are, well, containers. Members of mankind fill them, colour them, shape them in the concrete. Government will be as bad and/or good as the wide majority of the governed are. On the single street, as well as at the World Bank.

    I in all frankness have no way to judge that the current rulers in the West are worse than non-utopian alternatives would be.
    To point out that they feed the people untruths, or that they (with the help of untrue rationalizations and false flags) push for the subjugation of other powers that look weaker is accessory and beyond the point: every body of rulers would never be permitted by its ruled ones to do otherwise.

    “We can’t judge’ is the primary mental and behavioral guideline of the hypocrite; yet I doubt ever more whether it not be the main guideline of the wise too.


    1. (a friend of Sarah) – five, count em, “five” people now have as much wealth as the 3.8 BILLION human beings who comprise the bottom half of the entire earth’s population. If “we can’t judge” is your default position, it would appear to be a safe assumption that you are not located anywhere within that 3.8 billion humans – a comfortable position from which “not” to judge – indeed.


  3. Have you considered investing in a thesaurus? There are many synonyms for sleazebag, that would make for more interesting, less repetitive reading. Satire is a fine art, and this doesn’t quite stand up as a distinctive sample.


  4. CJ – if you can find a way to weave some observations into a future essay about Rachel Maddows apparent daily episodes of demonic possession related to all things “Russian” – it would bring a wry self-satisified smile to this old geezers face! Rachel’s escapades now fall into the “you can’t make this stuff up category,” but then again that’s true of pretty much all MSM at this time here in the land of the free. Thanks for continuing to use both wit and humor to point out the rather serious flaws in the collective mass insanity currently passing for “reality” here in the U.S.


  5. Dr CJ:

    Please write about the asshole McCain and his funeral, ok?

    Here below are some pre-funeral comments on him:

    Pat Buchanan viewpoint:

    libertarian viewpoint:

    heterodox Trot viewpoint:

    Post-funeral, the WSWS noted:

    ‘ The attitude of the media was summed up by CNN “journalist” Dana Bash who commented, after it happened to rain as McCain’s coffin was brought up to the US Capitol: “The angels were crying.” ‘

    And it is touching — is it not? — that McCain is toasted even by the ‘Democratic Socialists of America’ covergirl … who recently decided she was not sure if the Occupied Territories are actually ‘occupied’ or not:

    * ‘she seemed flustered when asked why she used the term “occupation,” and she apologized for herself, saying that she’s not an expert on Middle East issues. “I may not use the right words.” ‘ (


    1. The ordinary person senses the greatness of the odds against him even without thought or analysis, and he adapts his attitudes unconsciously. A huge passivity has settled on industrial society. For people carried about in mechanical vehicles, earning their living by waiting on machines, listening much of the waking day to canned music, watching packaged movie entertainment and capsulated news, for such people it would require an exceptional degree of awareness and an especial heroism of effort to be anything but supine consumers of processed goods.
      Marshall McLuhan (1951)


  6. May I suggest that the political media elite’s response to the death of John McCain is beyond even your satirical powers. How can anyone caricature such blatant turning of the world upside down? Feel free to consider this as a challenge.


  7. All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary values…The news automatically becomes the real world for the TV user and is not a substitute for reality, but is itself an immediate reality.
    ~Marshal McLuhan


  8. Just discovered you a few days ago. You undoubtedly know you’re trenchant and witty, but you have no idea how refreshing, even necessary, your writing could be to the damaged national psyche. When I wade through the hysteria of the wartime propaganda they call “news,” I have to come in here to get my head on straight again.

    Thank you so much. Yes, I’m going to put you on Patreon (small monthly amt, sorry but am not rich), as soon as I can find the password.


    1. Many thanks, Sam, and no apologies necessary. Our in-house satirist, mad fool that he is, would rather have many readers contributing small amounts than only a few contributing large amounts, or … you know, one tech oligarch paying his entire salary.


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