The Magic Socialist

So here it is, the announcement we’ve been waiting for … all aboard for another cruise on the new and improved U.S.S. Magic Socialist with your captain Bernie Sanders at the helm! If you’re not familiar with this extraordinary vessel, it’s like the luxury liner in The Magic Christian, except catering to credulous American socialists instead of the British filthy rich. Tickets start at just $27 dollars … so hurry, because they’re going fast!

That’s right, folks, Bernie is back, and this time it’s not just a sadistic prank where he gets you all fired up about his fake “revolution” for fifteen months, gets cheated out of the nomination, then backs whichever corporate-bought candidate the Democratic Party orders you to vote for.

No, this time the Bernster really means it! This time, when the DNC rigs the primaries to hand the nomination to Harris, or Biden, or some billionaire android like Michael Bloomberg, Bernie is not going to break your heart by refusing to run as an independent candidate, unbeholden to the corporations and oligarchs that own both political parties, or otherwise make you feel like a sucker for buying his “revolution” schtick. He’s not going to fold like a fifty dollar suit and start parroting whatever propaganda the corporate media will be prodigiously spewing to convince you the Russians and Nazis are coming unless you vote for the empire’s pre-anointed puppet!

Bernie would never dream of doing that … or at least he’d never dream of doing that twice.

There are limits, after all, to people’s gullibility. It’s not like you can just run the same con, with the same fake message and the same fake messiah, over and over, and expect folks to fall for it. If you could, well, that would be extremely depressing. That would mean you could get folks to believe almost anything, or that we were stuck in some eternally recurring multi-dimensional reality loop. The next year and a half in American politics would play out like one of those Groundhog Day knock offs meets The Magic Christian meets The Usual Suspects, directed by David Lynch, on acid. We’d be barraged by recycled Feel-the-Bern memes. Hacky sack shares would go through the roof. That creepy little bird would come fluttering back, land on Bernie’s podium again, and chirp out “L’Internationale.” People would start booking Tim Robbins for interviews. Ben & Jerry’s would roll out another revolutionary flavor of Bernie ice cream … and in the end it would all amount to nothing.

But that’s not going to happen this time. No, this time, the U.S.S. Magic Socialist is setting sail straight for Socialismland! This time, it’s really the Revolution! The end of global capitalism! And the best part of the whole deal is, you don’t even have to take up arms, stage a series of wildcat strikes, blockade major highways, occupy airports, or otherwise cripple the U.S. economy … all you have to do is vote for Bernie!

See, that’s the magic of electoral politics! The global capitalist ruling establishment, despite the fact that they own the banks and the corporations that own the government that owns the military and intelligence services, and despite the fact that they own the media, and all essential industries, and channels of trade, and are relentlessly restructuring the entire planet (which they rule with almost total impunity) to conform to their soulless neoliberal ideology, and are more than happy to unleash their militarized goons on anyone who gets in their way … despite all that, if we elect Bernie president, they will have no choice but to peacefully surrender, and transform America into a socialist wonderland!

Sure, they won’t be happy about it, but they will have no choice but to go along with whatever Bernie and his followers want, because that’s how American democracy works! We’ve seen it in action these last two years, since Donald Trump got elected president. The establishment wasn’t too thrilled about that, but they had to put aside their own selfish interests and respect the will of the American people … because imagine what might have happened if they hadn’t!

For example, they might have concocted a story about Trump being a Russian intelligence asset who was personally conspiring with Vladimir Putin to destroy the fabric of Western democracy so that Russia could take over the entire planet. They could have had respected newspapers like The New York Times and The Washington Post and television networks like CNN and MSNBC disseminate this story, and subtly reinforce it in endless variations, on a daily basis for over two years. They could have appointed a special prosecutor to investigate the facts of their made-up story, and indict a bunch of unextraditable Russians and a handful of inveterate D.C. slimebags to make the whole thing look legitimate. At the same time, they could have had the media warn everybody, over and over, that Trump, in addition to being a traitor, was also the second coming of Hitler, and was on the verge of torching the Capitol, declaring himself Führer, and rounding up the Jews. They could have generated so much mass hysteria and Putin-Nazi paranoia that liberals would literally be seeing Russians and Nazis coming out of the woodwork!

Fortunately, the global capitalist establishment, out of respect for democracy and the American people, decided not to go that route. If Americans chose to elect a jabbering imbecile president, that was their right, and far be it from the empire to interfere. Tempting as it must have been to use all their power to demonize Trump in order to teach the world what happens when you get elected president without their permission, they restrained themselves … and thank God for that! I don’t even want to contemplate the extent of the rage and cynicism they would have fomented among the public by doing those things I just outlined above. That might have left people with the false impression that their votes mean absolutely nothing, and that the entire American electoral system is just a simulation of democracy, and in reality they are living in a neo-feudalist, de facto global capitalist empire administrated by omnicidal money-worshipping human parasites that won’t be satisfied until they’ve remade the whole of creation in their nihilistic image.

Thankfully, the ruling classes spared us all that, so now we can hop aboard the Magic Socialist and take another cruise with Cap’n Bernie! Considering how magnanimous they’ve been with Trump, once Bernie wins the election fair and square, the empire clearly won’t have any problems with him nationalizing the American healthcare system, tripling taxes on the super-rich, subsidizing university education, and all that other cool socialism stuff (i.e., the stuff we mostly still have here in Europe, along with some semblance of cultural solidarity, although the global capitalists are working to fix that).

Oh, yeah, and in case you’re worried about Bernie backing the empire’s ongoing regime change op in Venezuela, don’t be. He’s just playing 4D chess, like Obama did throughout his presidency, by pretending to do the empire’s bidding while he actually went about the business of resurrecting hope and eradicating racism. Bernie’s just being sly like that! It might seem like he’s aligning himself with mass murdering thugs like Elliot Abrams and sadistic ass freaks like Marco Rubio, but he isn’t. Not really. It’s just an act. I mean, he has to get elected, doesn’t he?

How else are we going to get to Socialismland?


CJ Hopkins
February 25, 2019
Photo: Gage Skidmore/CC BY-SA 2.0

CJ Hopkins Summer 2018 thumbnailDISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page (where you can contribute as little $1 per month), or send your contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our staff up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian novel, Zone 23, which we understand is pretty gosh darn funny, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive email, please feel free to contact him directly.

26 thoughts on “The Magic Socialist

  1. You’re the best. Just had my own round of roasting Bernie (sharing others not writing) and decided I’d give it a rest – point made – but … it looks like one more share and a quote or two to boot.


  2. It is truly depressing to think that millions and millions and millions (etc) of Americans apparently think that Bernie Sanders is a socialist. Almost as depressing as how millions and millions (etc) of Americans voted for Hillary Clinton in the presidential election of 2016, apparently in the belief that she is a left-wing feminist.


  3. C.J.- Unfortunately I believe you’ve badly misread the Bern-meister’s game plan. Any guy who played the game as a kid realizes that Bernie isn’t playing 3-D chess, he’s playing 3-D Parcheesi (the “Magic Socialist Savior” edition).

    Sure Parcheesi looks a little like chess, because the pieces unfortunately do resemble – “pawns” – and yes there is that lingering bad taste in the mouths of all of us – “pawns” – from Bernie’s last run, but trust me on this, Parcheesi is a whole new game, and Bernie’s the only one in the race “old” enough to remember it from way back when, so his campaign team figures he’s got a great advantage! Socialist paradise – here we come!

    – Another great piece C.J.! I was grinning the entire time as I read it. Thanks much. Also also a tip of the hat and a thank you for showing solidarity with Ed Curtain in his recent encounter with those endlessly odious and zany “regime-change Resistance boys” over at CounterPoof. I saw your comments at OffGuardian and I greatly admire that C.J. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. So what on earth could a 300 year old Lockheed loving American socialist like Bernie have been up to that would allow the DNC to have leverage over him ?

    ‘Federal authorities are investigating a 2010 land deal for a Vermont college that was run at the time by Jane Sanders, the wife of Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont. The deal ultimately contributed to her ouster as president of the college.

    The deal involved a $10 million sale of about 33 acres of lakefront property by the Roman Catholic Diocese of Burlington to Burlington College — where Ms. Sanders was president — so the college could relocate and expand.

    Well, it looks like she was cleared. Hurrah for socialism and the FBI !!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. So my opinion is that Bernie was likely blackmailed into being a presidential candidate for a party he isn’t even a member of, at the age of 75. His application was originally rejected for that reason. That is a truly Orwellian story. How can anyone swallow such nonsense ?

    In Britain, the equally, possibly even more ludicrous Jeremy Corbyn, a lifelong maverick with truly extremists views was ‘elected’ to party leader. His refusal to get involved in local, very serious child abuse allegations rings alarm bells for me. Not blaming him or accusing him of anything. Assumed blackmail. I’m not a socialist but I would love to see him win an election,

    ‘Labour MP John Mann says leadership contender Mr Corbyn “did nothing” about allegations of child abuse in Islington in 1980s

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh great, Bernie – another Sunday Socialist. The road to Hell is trodden bare by his type, downhill all the way. Bernie’s assigned role is to “suck up all the oxygen”. Provide the necessary razzle-dazzle for the war democrats, police state liberals and austerity progressives to suck up the attention and energy of the disaffected. That’s what they get paid to do. This layer of burn-outs, has beens and traitors. The ever-odious staffers, full-timers, consultants, aides, advisors, policy wonks, publicity hounds. Ever advancing themselves as spokespeople for all the causes. Always ready to turn viciously on any regular people who have the impertinence to say otherwise. Generals without an army.

    Always anything but class with the Bernie boosters. Furiously beating their drums for feminism, gay whatever, racism, the environment. But never for mobilization of the working class. Never for fighting against real capitalism. The Bernie Sunday Socialists live comfortably, haven’t walked a picket line in ages, buy sweat shop labour designer clothes and are as tough as jello.

    Life has a way of paying you out. And the future for the Bernie boosters and those dumb enough to buy their bilge is – the Ukraine. While the Bernie crowd serve as their apologists the class elites grind on. They have no limit and the Bernie bunch will swallow anything so long as they keep their place and privileges as police for the working poor. But, at some point, Ukrainization hits the tipping point. As it is heading for in Brazil, Italy, Spain, France, Mexico. When the shit hits the fan, the Bernie boosters will be on the wrong side of the barricades.

    “Their names are prick’d”

    Liked by 1 person

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