It has recently come to our attention here at Consent Factory headquarters that we may have a bit of “situation” developing in our Berlin offices. The long and short of it is, it appears an employee of one of our German subsidiaries has gained access to our official Consent Factory blog (i.e. this very blog), and has been subtly (and in some cases not so subtly) maliciously editing and/or otherwise altering its proprietary content to reflect, not the views of the Consent Factory, or those of its many transnational corporatist clients, but the personal views of this individual employee, who is clearly undergoing some sort of mental health crisis, but not in such an outwardly demonstrative way that we can get him picked up and committed to a locked-down rehabilitation facility.
The employee in question, “CJ” Hopkins (who as far as we can tell is a rather obscure expatriate American playwright who has no idea how the grown-up world of transnational business actually works), was employed by our German subsidiary, Konsensfabrik, GmbH, as an English-language copy editor, or in-house translator, or something along those lines. After lulling our German staff into a false sense of security by uneventfully performing his copy-editing duties for a number of months, it seems that Mr Hopkins (along with one of the local IT guys, “Vaclav”) has set up camp in a remote location somewhere up the River Spree, and is out there on his own, operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct.
Under normal circumstances, we would of course simply terminate Mr Hopkins’ employment with extreme prejudice. But this is Germany, a quasi-socialist country where it is virtually impossible to fire anyone, unless they report to the office stark naked with crypto-fascist Odinist runes painted all over their bodies, or insult the President of Turkey, which, unfortunately, Mr Hopkins has not done. So we’re stuck with him, apparently, at least until our obscenely expensive German attorneys down in Munich can find some loophole in the Gesetzbuch that will provide us with an excuse to get rid of him. In the meantime, we must warn our readers to please keep the following in mind:
(1) in light of Mr Hopkins’ infiltration/malicious altering of our blog’s content (which he seems to be doing on a selective basis), any given post you may read here — including this very post — is liable to have been slightly (or in some cases more than slightly) edited, reworded, connotatively skewed, or otherwise perniciously altered to reflect, not only certain views or opinions that do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory and its transnational corporatist clients, but views or opinions completely antithetical and/or hostile thereto (i.e. to the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, its clients, shareholders, employees, agents, subsidiaries and assigns);
(2) due to the fact that this Hopkins fellow appears to be screwing with our content selectively (and perhaps even randomly, it has been proposed, although we don’t believe that for a second), much of the content you read here might in fact be genuine Consent Factory content (i.e. content that has not been perverted by Mr Hopkins into some sort of twisted mockery of itself), but it might not always be so easy to tell the difference;
(3) the Consent Factory is, even as you read this, aggressively taking what pathetic measures are available to us under the outrageously employee-friendly German labor laws to bring a swift and decisive end to Mr Hopkins’ nefarious and childishly subversive activities … and of course we’re trying to get him some professional medical help. We apologize for any inconvenience caused to any of our readers, and look forward to the day we can get back to reliably providing the kind of content people can quickly skim on their phones and not have to stand there in the middle of the sidewalk rereading several times to be able to begin to interpret.
We thank you for your understanding and patience during this difficult period, and hope you will continue to enjoy the blog.