The Assassination of Donald Trump

OK … here’s a question for you. Let’s assume, strictly for the purposes of argument, that Donald Trump is literally Hitler, or at least a proto-Hitlerian fascist, like the neoliberal ruling classes and the corporate media have been saying he is. And let’s go ahead and also assume that he’s a treasonous Russian intelligence asset working in league with Vladimir Putin to destroy the very fabric of Western democracy, and that he isn’t even legitimately President, because he stole the election from Hillary Clinton with all those Russian bots and Facebook posts, and all that other stuff they’ve been accusing him of, which would make him the most monstrously evil villain in the history of monstrously evil villains, not to mention an existential threat to the nation, and Americans, and … well, the rest of humanity. And so, basically, what I want to know is, why don’t they just kill this guy?

Seriously, if Trump is really Hitler, and a traitor, working for a foreign enemy, like The New York Times and more or less every other organ of the corporate media has been telling us he is for the last two years, well, how about getting SEAL Team 6 to storm the White House in the dead of night and shoot him in the face or something? That seems to go over pretty well with people. Or what about a simple heart attack? Don’t our spooks have some kind of heart attack juice that they could slip into his Diet Coke, or smear onto the doorknob of the Oval Office?

Not that there’s really any need for subtlety. After all, if he’s actually a Russian operative, and a proto-Hitlerian genocidal dictator, there’s no reason to run a covert op or attempt to cover anything up. On the contrary, you would want do it openly, proudly, where all Americans could see it. Which is why I’d go with the DEVGRU option. They could waste him live on CNN. The bloodier the better. Just imagine the ratings! They could march into the Oval Office in that cool-looking kill squad body armor and beat him to death with a gold-plated golf club. It’s not like he’d put up much of a fight. What is he, like seventy years old or something?

All right, I know you’re probably thinking that beating a sitting president to death with a gold-plated gap wedge is nothing to joke about, and that doing so (i.e., joking about it, not actually beating the President to death) is possibly a federal crime or whatever, but we’re talking Adolf Hitler here, folks. Do I have to link to every one of the literally thousands of impassioned editorials, articles, and TV and radio segments in which respected journalists at serious news outlets have warned us, over and over, and over, that Donald Trump is literally Hitler, or virtually Hitler, and probably also a Russian agent? I don’t think so. Do you think that respectable publications like The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian, The Atlantic, Time, and so on, would print such inflammatory allegations if the fate of democracy were not at stake? That would be rather reckless, wouldn’t it? I mean, how many times can you call a guy Hitler before Americans demand that somebody kill him?

This is what we do, after all. Killing Hitler is America’s thing. America has been killing Hitler since … well, since Hitler killed himself. Saddam was Hitler. We killed him, didn’t we? Or we got some guys to kill him for us. Same goes for Gaddafi. He was Hitler. We killed the hell out of him. That was fun. We got some guys to sodomize him with a bayonet, and shoot him in the head, and then we laughed about it on national television. Oh, and Osama bin Laden. He was definitely Hitler … OK, not while he was working with the CIA, but later, after he went native on us. We shot him in the face and dumped in the ocean. And Milosevic, he was also Hitler! OK, we didn’t kill him, but we killed his whole country, then we put him on trial in the Hague for war crimes. And what about Stalin, Ho Chi Minh, Castro, Khomeini, Bashar al Assad, and all the other Hitlers we wanted to kill, or tried to kill but couldn’t kill? The list goes on and on, and on.

I kid you not, if there is anything Americans love more than working a hundred hours a week and buying stuff with credit cards, it is repeatedly killing Adolf Hitler. You just point at somebody, call him Hitler, and Americans are ready to help you kill him. And, even if someone isn’t technically Hitler, as long as those respectable news sources tell us it’s OK to kill them … well, that’s usually good enough for us.

For example, if you’re messing around with our “interests,” like maybe interfering with our corporations’ exploitation of your Central American country, we will have no choice but to fund and train some sadistic death squads to hideously torture and murder your people until you come to your senses. Or, if you’re even considering aligning with some annoying, fanatically religious regime that deposed the puppet we installed in their country, and that is sitting in the middle of the Middle East screwing up our restructuring plans, and which the Russians won’t let us tactically nuke, well, we’ll have to help our friends, the Saudis, bomb the living Allah out of you, starve your women and children to death, and otherwise wipe you off the face of the Earth.

So let’s not suddenly get all squeamish about killing Hitler or … you know, whoever. Killing Hitlers, and other bogeymen, and innocent men, women, and children is as American as apple pie, not to mention an extremely profitable business. So what’s the problem here, exactly? Either Trump is Hitler or he isn’t Hitler. If he’s Hitler, and a traitorous Russian agent, like all those respected media sources, and those anonymous “Intelligence Community” sources, and those people on Twitter say he is, what the hell is taking so long? Why doesn’t somebody get in there and kill him? What good are all these black ops types if they can’t even save America from Hitler?

I don’t know, maybe the ruling classes don’t believe they have generated enough public support with all their “resistance” and “Hitler” stuff to brutally assassinate the president on television (which is hard to fathom, given the relentless propaganda campaign they’ve been concertedly waging). Perhaps it needs to be a grassroots effort. In which case, maybe the Democratic Party, Bill Kristol, Rob Reiner, Rachel Maddow, Michael Moore, General Hayden, Hillary Clinton, Alec Baldwin, the Editorial Board of The New York Times, and other key Resistance fighters could organize a “March to Assassinate Trump.” People could break out their pussyhats again. Everyone loves those pussyhats! They could march on CIA headquarters in Langley. Just think of all the signs and slogans  … “SCREW DEMOCRACY, JUST KILL HIM ALREADY!” “WHAT WOULD WILLIAM CASEY DO?” and the always popular call and response, “TELL ME WHAT THE DEEP STATE LOOKS LIKE … THIS IS WHAT THE DEEP STATE LOOKS LIKE!” The possibilities are almost endless!

I’m not saying it would be a cakewalk … or that there wouldn’t be any kind of blowback. The Resistance would likely catch a little flak from the millions of toothless, Oxy-addicted, white supremacist Nazis that voted for the guy. There would probably be a bit of “civil unrest,” but then, what’s the point of militarizing virtually every major police force in the country if you’re not prepared to turn them loose on the citizenry every once and while? And anyway, the main thing is, regardless of how messy things would probably get, it would provide the global capitalist ruling classes with an opportunity to remind these unruly “populists” what happens when you vote for Hitler!

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CJ Hopkins
October 22, 2018
Photo: Alisdare Hickson CC BY-SA 2.0

CJ Hopkins Summer 2018 thumbnailDISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Patreon page (where you can contribute as little $1 per month), or send your contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our staff up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian novel, Zone 23, which we understand is pretty gosh darn funny, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive email, please feel free to contact him directly.

20 thoughts on “The Assassination of Donald Trump”

  1. Surely the “Inglourious Basterds” squad are preparing for the mission even as we sit here chatting about it?

    Seriously though, I don’t think the real owners of the USA would like the President to be murdered out of hand. Too much risk that “we the People” might notice that he is completely redundant to the working of the machinery. Come to think of it, POTUS is just as superfluous and ornamental as Queen Elizabeth. Funny, eh? All those years since the Revolution, and what do the Yanks wind up with? An unconstitutional monarch.

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  2. I’ve been wondering the same thing. I have thought it would be some set up patsy like Oswald, James Earl Ray or Sirhan, but the Navy Seal thing on live TV has it’s appeal. More likely though, judging by what Trump has actually done, he was sat down in a room and shown the video (Bill Hicks Puppet Show – the Elite, https://youtu.be/B8IvKx0c19w). All the Trump is Hitler stuff is just to make sure he doesn’t forget.

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  3. Perhaps they haven’t killed him because he isn’t a threat to the elite. Perhaps they just don’t like the way he talks, like blurting out in public that sanctioning the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for the torture and murder of a Washington Post “journalist” is simply not in the US interest, when he should have been talking about the rule of law and human rights and democracy, whilst doing nothing.

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  5. Hilarious! I’d be with you on this, but….

    That would leave us with President Mike Pence.

    Something about him gives me the creeps more than any President or VP in the past 60 years, including Nixon and Dick Cheney.

    So, lets keep puppet Trump, er, I mean Der Trumpfler a little while longer!

    Thanks for the laugh.

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  6. I too would like to know why they are letting Literally A. Hitler roam free to terrorize the innocent and nazify the deplorably guilty. Don’t they know what comes next? That’s right, FEMA camps and “soap” factories! These cowards are all talk and no action! I fear the Resistance has already been coopted by the Evil one and Putler’s Troll Farmers. They talk talk talk and wave their stupid signs while evil spreads unchecked throughout the land! I mean we killed Bin Laden and he’s a lightweight compared to this guy, so what the hell are they waiting for?

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  8. I feel like maybe you’re confusing the Left & the Center with the Alex Jones fucks. They’re the ones who see demons down every bathtub drain and Threats to their Freedom hiding behind grandma’s (they live with grandma) draperies. Trump is very like a stupider version of Hitler; modern Americans aren’t much like the Germans of the 1930s, though. If they were — if they were less interested in the contents of their iPhones and more interested in joining white-nationalist gentleman’s clubs — we’d be fucked. & if you don’t think Trump isn’t backed by fascist-loving human monsters, including famous right-wing extremist & vile feudal lord Vladimir Putin, whom you old white men who fancy yourselves the Real Resistance stan so oddly & aggressively, you’re even dumber than you look — a feat which doesn’t seem like it would be possible, but an angry old white man will come through on that account every time.

    and which the Russians won’t let us tactically nuke
    Lol, yes, that heroic Russian government, stopping us from nuking people! Are there any limits at all to the plain stoic honorableness of Putin’s oligarchy? (Of course not.)

    It aaaaalmost seems like you’re defending Trump, here — as though you think he has some actual human or democratic legitimacy, or that he’s not a tax-evading criminal and probably a rapist, or something. Did you actually bother read any of those NYT articles before you elected to sneer at them for their failure to toe the Trumpy party line, or do you only care about playing the violin for poor old saintly Gaddafi and [*checks notes*] Osama bin Laden?

    Since Trump was elected by about 19.5% of the highly-democratic (suburban, bigoted, white) American vote, he’s used what small amount of power the Executive Branch is allowed to exercise on its own to make the world a better place for rich white people and a worse place for people of a panoply of other identities: Workers, women, black people, immigrants who fail the paper bag test, Muslims, people who like to breathe uncontaminated air, you name it. He’s also escalated conflicts in Syria and Afghanistan, just like all his predecessors. I realize those offenses don’t touch an individual as old and male and white as yourself, but I can assure you they remind the rest of us of stories we read when we visited the Holocaust Museum in middle school. Maybe you should try visiting the Holocaust Museum sometime? Or going back to middle school, at least. Couldn’t hurt.

    Leftists probably don’t have as much interest in assassination as (for example) angry old white men because: a.) They’re not as invested in violence as a permanent solution to every problem, and b.) It would be better to coopt the institution rather than destroy it.

    Speaking of which: It’s like you think that a person can’t disapprove of Trump and also disapprove of American ratfucking in the Middle East and in South & Central America. Most of us out here are socialists. Most of us want to stop our government’s imperialist bombing regime and fondness for fomenting spontaneous pro-America right-wing revolutions in other people’s countries. Most of us want to eliminate the American Empire completely, and reduce our governmental involvement with foreign populations to humanitarian interventions only. Most of us care about free healthcare and the elimination of debt peonage. Most of us want to take control of the militarized police forces who target people of color like an actual gestapo, and have since the Reconstruction ended. We can’t do any of those unless we protest, organize, and vote (they’re trying to stop us doing all those things, too, by the way). I know old white men think that kind of change is a futile objective, because they failed at it, but we have resources they couldn’t have imagined in the sixties.

    Good to know silly old fools like you have our backs, though. Thanks!

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  9. “This is what we do, after all. Killing Hitler is America’s thing. America has been killing Hitler since … well, since Hitler killed himself.” [and the rest of that paragraph.]

    This has a parallel in organisations and groups, like archive sites and other sites were the site is the work of contributors.
    What the lords there do is… casting out “trolls”: they always cast out trolls.
    And who are the trolls? The trolls will always be those who don’t flatter, ingratiate themselves, obey, and are unable to think individually.

    Sometimes I like to phantasize that there is a still unwritten chapter in Zone23, wherein humankind’s drama ceases to be a substantially pitiless play, and some variety creeps in.
    The same act over and over forever has grown more than a tad stale.

    Who knows. It could happen. But not without deep changes in the mind’s hardware, I guess.

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  10. As for America and all Hitlers… the one thing I never heard from any quarter is: how would other mighty states behaved, if it were them and not the USA to have over all other countries the kind of edge USA has had?

    Give pre-WW2 Germany or France the might the USA has had. Or give it to post-WW2 China or Russia.
    What would have happened?

    Because humans, and their groups and organizations, only behave wrongly when they can — and this means that who can behave the wrongest does. Does it mean they are the most bad though?

    Just one of a couple interrogatives which can’t be answered. (All the interesting ones, maybe.)

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  12. (“if you’re messing around with our “interests,” like maybe interfering with our corporations’ exploitation of your Central American country, we will have no choice but to fund and train some sadistic death squads to hideously torture and murder your people until you come to your senses.”)

    – strange how we did exactly this for decades in the name of “fighting communism,” yet here we are 25+ years AFTER the fall of the Soviet Union and the death squads, torture and coups in Latin America continue year after year unabated. One could be forgiven for thinking we’re just a bunch of amoral psychopathic imperialists in the final analysis, using whatever excuse is convenient to justify our greed and brutality.

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